(typing this while very much sleep deprived)

she is poly and has two other partners. and I've known for most of the relationship (almost exactly 4 months of dating) that she might not be able to commit to a third partner, and, well, it turns out, she can't after all. not enough of her to go around.

still very numb about it. didn't come literally out of nowhere on account of above, but like. this specific timing sure did. it seemed like the deciding factor was still a ways out, months probably, and then, blam. I just got back from visiting her in san francisco a week and a half ago. (breakup is unrelated to the visit. just. wow the timing.)

some kind of irony in this being almost exactly one year after I last got my heart broken. march is not my month I guess.

I've learned a lot about myself, and relationships, and what I want out of a romantic relationship, and what a good romantic relationship even looks like (or feels like to be in), since one year ago. Some kinds of progress. But also this stuff all feels so much like too little too late.

after the numbness wears off it'll be back to feeling hopeless about the future, I guess. this felt like my last chance at love! what the hell were the odds of finding someone like that. she makes (made) me so happy. like, unbelievably so, in a way I would not previously have thought possible. bit too painful to go into that right now but like. wow I was and am in love with her and wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.

And like. I'm 31 years old and will never be able to get a real job and I live with my fucking parents. not a lot of people I'd want to date for whom that's not a huge dealbreaker! and I've nearly aged out of all my online social circles, as far as dating eligibility goes. animation fandom skews pretty fucking young and the thought of dating someone who's like 22 is like. oof. that's almost a full decade younger than me, good lord.

wish I'd thought of these spaces as viable grounds for finding partners many years ago when I was more the median age. bit late now to realize "oh I would absolutely move across the country for the right person, easy." wish discord had existed sooner, since it seems to be the only way I am able to form genuinely deep meaningful online relationships.

doubt I'm ready to move on yet, but to put in my back pocket: y'all got any tips for location-nonspecific online dating? specifically girls dating girls.

Comments

Dogmantra wrote on March 28, 2022 at 10:05 AM

#13,329

oh toast :((((((

I am sending you so many positive vibes you can't even comprehend the power of them <3

hollyhoppet wrote on March 28, 2022 at 10:57 PM

#13,331

🫂 sending you positive vibes.

voxpoplar wrote on March 30, 2022 at 7:48 AM

#13,336

I'm so sorry toast 💙💙💙

toasthaste OP wrote on March 30, 2022 at 5:10 PM

#13,338

Replying to hollyhoppet (#13,331)

thanmnk u ;-;

toasthaste OP wrote on March 30, 2022 at 5:10 PM

#13,339

Replying to voxpoplar (#13,336)

thank you. I am too :(

cute_spider_ni_srsly wrote on March 30, 2022 at 6:33 PM

#13,341

Whoof, that sounds rough. To fall in love with someone and they don't have enough time for you? That's balugh.

toasthaste OP wrote on March 31, 2022 at 12:45 AM (edited on March 31, 2022 at 2:38 AM)

#13,344

Replying to cute_spider_ni_srsly (#13,341)

Yeah, it really sucks. And then of course part of my brain-- because we both WANT to date each other, and get a lot out of it-- is going haywire with "well maybe some of the circumstances will change one day." I mean they theoretically COULD, but. I worry I'm gonna holding a candle for her, going "who knows, maybe something'll change" forever if I let myself.

cute_spider_ni_srsly wrote on March 31, 2022 at 7:35 PM

#13,347

Replying to toasthaste (#13,344)

Gosh I wish I had good advice on how to put down flags and candles. But oh boy if you want someone who can help you imagine scenarios where romance circumstances change, I've got a banger going where all three of them move to your own city and that's what makes the relationship fall apart! It's based on my own candles that I wont put down.

toasthaste OP wrote on April 1, 2022 at 9:46 PM (edited on April 1, 2022 at 9:47 PM)

#13,350

Replying to cute_spider_ni_srsly (#13,347)

I super don't want someone to help me imagine those scenarios, brain conjuring them up endlessly against my wishes already XD

I know Joy, I know what she's like in relationships, I've met her partners-- those relationships are NOT going anywhere. She is VERY VERY good at relationships! She is a devoted and committed partner and those are explicitly Maximum Commitment Life Partnerships. Sure, unexpected unlikely things can always happen but just. Thinking that way lies madness.

it fucking sucks