Since before I was born my family had this old computer, running Windows 3 and every MB of its hard drive packed with the finest in DOS gaming. I was a 2000s kid, but my childhood gaming memories were playing Commander Keen and Monster Bash and DOOM but with the mod that replaces all the monsters with Simpsons characters because my mum was worried the demons would scare me, but was apparently not worried about me being exposed to Ned Flanders exploding into red pixels at the barrel of a shotgun.

When I was in my last or 2nd last year of elementary school (I can never remember my age in any of my stories, just where I was at the time. Whatever age you are in the last or 2nd last year of elementary school.) my parents bought me my first laptop. My mum was very insistent it was only meant to be used for school work and not for games, which I'm assuming didn't last for long at all because my next memory about that laptop was taking it to school, my friends crowding around in amazement as I showed them the game of my childhood, Wolfenstein 3D. The year was the mid 2000s. (My only other big memory associated with that laptop is my mum finding my early pubescent browser history. Embarrassing!)

When I was in my 2nd year of middle school my older brother put a bunch of new games on my laptop for my birthday (I don't remember which birthday it was, but it was the one you turn during your 2nd year of middle school.) He was determined to finally drag me out of the DOS era of PC gaming, but apparently not determined to buy more than like 2 games, so he loaded me up with the finest in free 2000s and early 2010s indie games, as well as a few non-indie ones that he definitely pirated. For those 2 or so games he actually bought (also indie games), he gifted me a Steam account, and 16 years and a little under 400 games later I still have that account.

Among those free indie games he put on was one surreal indie darling Yume Nikki, a game which absolutely entranced me at the time. It was surreal and obtuse and far outside the realm of what I though a video game could be at the time. There was nothing like this on DOS. (Well, maybe there was, there was thousands of DOS games and most of them were indie titles without very wide distribution so who knows what's out there.)

As I said though, Yume Nikki was obtuse, and naturally I wanted answers to what the fuck this game was actually about, so I did some googling on the ol' internet. This was a branching point that would have a domino effect on who I am as a person today in a few different ways.

Firstly, I was introduced to the concept of Hikikomori (a Japanese term for a phenomenon of people withdrawing from social life and becoming shut-ins in their apartments or rooms), of which the protagonist of Yume Nikki is implied to be one. From this I was soon led to one of the few other pieces of media the english speaking internet of the time knew relating to Hikikomori: the 2006 anime Welcome to the N.H.K.

Before this what I knew of animation were lighthearted children's cartoons, and adult comedy cartoons like Family Guy which, while adult, weren't really mature. N.H.K. by comparison felt so grounded and dark. It's characters were realistic humans in a realistic world and it dealt with real societal issues, with isolation and suicide and people who feel alienated by the modern world. I can't really speak on whether Welcome to the N.H.K. holds up as an adult, i have not rewatched it since my teen years and I do remember that the main character does some unquestionably horrible things which I know were too much for at least one friend I tried to introduce it to to continue with the series (in the show's defense a little these aren't portrayed as good things, but as showing the main character is at his lowest point and has no self control, though again I'm going off very distant memories here). What I can say is that it had a profound effect on me at the time, and was my first introduction to the fact that animation can be real art. I still have a deep fondness and respect for animation to this day and Welcome to the N.H.K. was where that started.

The other branch that split off from my googling about Yume Nikki was me stumbling across this video with a thumbnail of Yume Nikki characters. A catchy little pop number with some kind of strange robotic singing voice, an "UTAU". This was the mouth of the rabbit hole that led me to my first real online fandom in the Vocaloid fandom. I browsed the internet already, but my first real continuous posting in an online community was in a Vocaloid fan forum, and god willing no one will ever be able to trace the things I posted in there to my adult self. (Typing this up I'm just now realizing that I still have a fondness for scarves that I'm pretty sure originated with me being really into the Vocaloid Kaito. Your teenage cringe era never really leaves you I guess.)

Later when I was the age you are when you're in high school I would go up to a classmate who had a Hatsune Miku backpack because they were the first person I saw who had any knowledge of Vocaloid outside of the internet. They would go on to be my best friend throughout high school and I would meet several other close friends through them. Also even later when I was the age I was when it was a month ago I would look that friend up out of nostalgia and find out they had since come out as non-binary and post about it on this cool little website i had joined a few years prior.

Rewinding back though to my Vocaloid fandom days, one day I stumbled across a song that I immediately fell in love with.This was a Kaito (what can i say, i though he was cool) cover of The Girl in Byakkoya, originally written and sung by a musician named Susumu Hirasawa, a name you might recognize from almost every thing I've ever submitted to f/post_music. When I heard the original Hirasawa version of the song I.... actually didn't like it at first. I guess the rule that you'll usually prefer the first version of a song you heard most applies even when one of them is sung by a computer and the other by someone who would go on to be your favourite musician of all time (I prefer the Hirasawa version now, but it definitely took a few listens to warm up to hearing it from a human).

Apparently this song was from an anime movie called Paprika? What the hell, I'll check that out, I've been getting into anime lately thanks to this little show called Welcome to the N.H.K. and from hanging out with this new anime-loving friend with a cool Hatsune Miku backpack. Paprika turns out to be pretty good! Really cool and creative visuals, and an amazing soundtrack. Decide to check out another movie from the same director, Millennium Actress. Goes on to be one of my favourite movies still to this day, I still rewatch it at least once a year. Also has a really good soundtrack, from the same musician even. Maybe I should look into more of this Hirasawa guy....

The Hirasawa fandom ("Horsebones" as we call ourselves) would go on to be my 2nd big online fandom, and unlike the Vocaloid fandom which I eventually drifted away from aside from occasionally putting on a favourite from my teen days out of nostalgia (Matryoshka is still a bop. Coincidentally, I found out from the Hirasawa fan discord recently that the composer of it is also a horsebone. Small world), I'm still a horsebone to this day and I still listen to Hirasawa's music all the time. His music has had a profound effect on me through various stages of my life from high school to now and his music is probably the art that has most changed my life of any I've encountered so far. Also I find out apparently he's vegan? That's cool, I had only ever heard the negative stereotypes about preachy vegans, but if Hirasawa is one maybe there's something to it. I'll just keep this idea in my mind I suppose and probably nothing will come of it.

Jump forward to the age I was when it was a few weeks ago, many years and a gender later. Recently I had decided to change my name to Ruby, a name I took from the Hirasawa song Rubedo. I finish up a delicious vegan dinner (I had converted a few years ago) and head off to the couch to wind down for the night. I'm dogsitting for my mum, and her dog doesn't like being in my room because my cat hangs out in there, so I sleep on the couch when I'm dogsitting her. I can't bring my computer down to the couch with me, but luckily I have this old laptop with me; I remember a long time ago it used to belong to me, back in the last or 2nd last year of elementary school I think it was. When I got a newer fancier laptop at some point, my mum took it and kept it, with my more tech-savvy older brother keeping it maintained in what could generously be called working condition over the years (it still boots, even if it takes a good hour to do so). He also put on a bunch of games on there for her. Mostly free indie ones, and a few non-indie ones that he definitely pirated. Eventually somehow the laptop ended up back with me.

As I laid there on my childhood laptop, watching a pair of retro game streamers play DOS games, many of which I grew up with, I get to thinking about how art that touches you at one point in your life can lead to other art, and other art from there, like a chain of dominos. About how I'm now named after a song I found through a musician I found through a movie I found through a cover I found through a fandom I found through a different cover I found through an indie game. I let these ideas percolate in my mind for a few days.

One afternoon I'm reading through an archive of a blog from the mid 90s, which I found through a post someone made on this cool website I joined a few years ago. The author on the blog talks about the virtue of sharing your experiences online. I agree with the messaging. It reminds me of wise words I once heard: "post post post, i want to see ur posts, i want to be ur friend". It gets me in a writing mood. I think back to my thoughts on that couch a few days ago. You know, that cool website I joined a few years ago would probably be a good place to write about it.

I type up a long, winding, and probably not very interesting post about it, then I click "Create submission".