you can put your whole soul into someone and yet mean so little. do you know how that feels. i dont even really know if i do, because i dont know how i feel. i havent been able to fully process everything and i dont know if i ever will because its made me feel so profoundly empty. but i know for sure that you dont. i have no clue what you feel, i fear it might be nothing at all. i just feel kind of ruined, and sad, and empty. i have to fight to not cry myself to sleep every night, to just try my absolute hardest not to remember anything. a part of me feels like i was used, and i hate that. i hate that its eating me up even though i dont even know what to call it, and that i cant bring myself to blame you rather than myself, and most of all i hate that i did it all willingly and i always hoped that in the end it would at least be worth it if i helped someone i loved more than anything because i thought nothing could be more fulfilling than that. but its eaten me up and left me with a deep emptiness inside that i fear nothing and no one can ever fill now. i feel disgusting and violated like a trampled piece of plastic thrown to the side of the road and left to degrade for years. i feel like in the pursuit of approval and reciprocation i reduced myself to nothing but a sex object and when i see my body now i feel nothing but pure disgust and repulsion. when i finally gathered up the courage to clean up my photo library i deleted thousands of intimate photos and i couldnt stop the fucking tears. i feel like i can never accept who i am and what i did to myself. who can i blame for that? i dont know. i dont know if it hurts me more that despite it all i was only ever someone to "have fun" with, or that i threw away whatever shred of dignity i had left, or that i never seemed to be worth thinking about, let alone worrying about when things were bad. i dont think anyone could ever possibly say if it was me, with my severe abandonment and trust issues and broken never-functional perception of myself and others and whos never had anyone even care in the slightest about themselves, or if it was the broken and hyperconnected environment ive gotten used to, or if it was you with your "inability" to care. i know youre not perfect but it feels like that became an excuse for treating me like nothing. i saw it coming for months but i didnt want to believe it. who would want to acknowledge that theyve done so much for nothing? even now i find myself having nightmares about being pushed away by you and i wake up gasping or on the verge of tears. it hurts me in ways i cant even express. can you imagine having someone on your mind every day because of how much they brighten your life, and being worried to death every time something happens to them, and trying to help even if its not realistically possible, but as soon as youre not okay youre too much to deal with, youre someone not worth placating with worthless "platitudes" (even if hearing them wouldve meant the world to me in my worst moments), you keep repeating yourself, youre not saying anything interesting, youre not starting a conversation, youre lovebombing, youre a burden who should mind their own business. it feels like a slap in the face. it feels like a stab in the heart. i did so fucking much and i wanted to do everything in the world for you veronica. i felt so distraught i started hurting myself for the first time praying it would at least allow me some sort of relief. but it didnt, it just made me cry harder. i never ever got to talk to you properly because it was too hard for you. i never even got to talk to you for one last time even at the end of it all because you thought it would be too embarrassing. what was i even worth? if not even that. why did i have to be the one to end it? why drag it on for so long, why bother lying to me? its not even the big problems that got to me most, not even the fact that i couldnt get to be with you anymore, its seeing all those small things in the midst of it all that youd just nonchalantly toss out there, as if they were nothing, as if it meant nothing, it broke my heart

jesus fucking christ i am such an unsalvageable mess. i feel ruined. i feel repulsive. i cant approach the idea of love because theres such a big hole in my heart. my heart hurts, my head hurts, my eyes are itchy. i feel like ive lost my strength, i feel so drained, i feel like im nothing. i feel so guilty, i feel used, i feel so depressed. i cant feel anything without it in the back of my mind, i feel incapable of affection, i feel like an old disused toy. i will not be back, its just too much for me. i wish it had never happened and i hate myself so much for feeling that, i just wish i didnt feel any of this pain anymore.