I first realized I was trans about 5 years ago and chose the name Jennifer pretty much immediately. It was a name I'd had in the back of my mind in my "egg" days since my early teens; Whenever I made a girl custom character in a game or needed a name for a female character in a story or something it was my first pick, so it just seemed like an easy choice, like I'd already subconsciously chosen it before I even knew I was a woman.

For a middle name I eventually ended up deciding on Ruby, and I feel that name has a more meaningful connection to me; I took it from the Susumu Hirasawa song Rubedo, the first song I listened to during the emotional whirlwind of figuring out I was trans. I still get really emotional listening to it, it takes me back to that night, lying on my bed with happy tears in my eyes listening to it on my headphones and knowing who I was for the first time.

And like I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable with the name Jennifer, it's still a name that has felt like "me" in way that my deadname never did, but in the last couple of months I've been considering if perhaps I should have had my first and middle names the other way around, chosen the name I have a deeper emotional tie to as my first name rather than the one I only chose because I felt I had already chosen it. And I do think part of that original choice too comes from some internalized transphobia I had in those early days, like I definitely considered Ruby as a first name at some point but I think I had the worry back then that I wouldn't be taken as seriously or accepted if I had a less "normal" name, which does leave a kind of bitter taste to the choice in retrospect

Anyway I just needed to get those thoughts out there, I don't think I'm sure enough about this yet that I want to like start asking people to call me Ruby or anything, but changing names again is an idea that's definitely been knocking around in my brain lately and not going away so I feel I have to start considering it more seriously