From my mid teenage years to my early twenties I developed a social phobia so severe that leaving the house was too much for me and I spent a lot of time indoors speaking only to my family. Reintegrating into society was really hard and I had spend years learning how to interact with other people in a Normal Grown Up sort of way. I'm in my last year of an undergraduate degree and I do okay interacting with people when necessary but sometimes when I accidentally let my guard down or aren't being careful enough my unfiltered brain comes out of my mouth and it's like fucking social poison. Usually people can tell I'm not normal but with a poorly placed word or sentence I can instantly confirm to someone that, as suspected, yes, there is something wrong with me.

I hate it so fucking much. I try really hard and it doesn't amount to anything and it can all become fractured in a moment by saying something without thinking because I get too comfortable or aren't being careful enough. Every time it's the same, every day I think "you could have just shut the fuck up and everything would have been fine", even when I manage to blunder through most communications. I'm just so tired of it! I try really hard and I still fail. I just wish that I could make connections like other people can.