Part 1 - Counting calories

I think the first time I counted calories was also the first time I counted calories per dollar. This was when I was 13 or so, and the economy got hard, 2008 on.

This was time when the second decimal place -- as in, $0.05 -- actually counted for us. A bit of inflation, a bit of poverty. But suddenly, the amount of calories I put in my body and the amount of pennies per calories counted a lot. It was a salient ratio.

Butter could get you 2000-calories-per-day for dimes, but -- by the keen advice of Ian M, a kid with more money but who just ate a stick of butter anyways -- eating a stick of butter would make you shit hard style.

Part 2 - Counting calories

The next time I'd count calories was the occasion in my life I'd get a serious stomach bug.

I mean shitting and vomiting at the same time, every hour, on the hour, starting at 4AM. After you had already had a calorie light day.

You were sick. You were caffeine deprived (from a daily dose of 400mg). You lacked hydration and nutrition because it was impossible you could keep anything down.

In the coming days, every 70-calorie serving of a saltine cracker would be a victory.

3 - Counting calories

I'd like to lose ten pounds. That's all. I gained about 20 pounds since 2020. I don't fixate on this a lot.

... But I do fixate on not being able to quantify if I fixate on it too much. It's fine to want to lose some weight, right? I've been eating a lot more lately than I usually do, for no reason. This surely isn't an eating disorder, right?

I feel confident this is not an eating disorder, or disordered eating.

... But, is this how it starts?

Well, surely they all start this way.

But what percentages of them start this way?

I remember I now, through great luck, possess a new book. "An Introduction to Epistemology".

I derived a lot of this in my teens, and was exposed to more by incident of science. If there's anything to guide a light to concerns about concerns about concerns, it'd be a book about understanding knowledge and knowing understanding.

tldr - I counted calories because of poverty, and then again during a spate of illness, wanting to maximize those calories. then, i counted calories wanting to reduce them, and i wondered if that might be bad or if it's basically fine.

but i did very much start because of the poverty, and the concerns i might not get them.