tim cook comes to the stage wearing a full funeral garb with a veil and everything. the crowd looks on uneasey as he walks to the podium.

" lighting is dead.. " he says through choked tears. "here's roman from succession to cry with me."

macaulay culkin takes the stage wearing jeans and a t-shirt, as bewildered as the audience. he leans into the microphone and says "hi, thank you for having me" and then stands 8 feet behind tim cook, where he stays for the rest of the three hour presentation

during the presentation tim cook talks about how much he loved lighting cable, and shares a complete accounting of every time he charged his own iphone with lightning, during a slideshow. during this time he pulls out what appears to be the new iPhone 15 Pro Ultra Max. journalists with telephoto lenses notice the phone features 3 USB C ports along the bottom edge.

meanwhile apple stock is plumetting tremendously

as the presentation comes to a close, tim cook says "one... more..." and pauses, as if waiting for the audience to reply. he walks off stage and returns in extremely poor taste, wearing a turtleneck, still holding the iphone

feed from a telephoto stage camera, tracking his iphone perfectly in his hand, shows up behind him. he throws the iphone up into the air, causing a cool hall-of-mirrors effect. new iphone features can be spotted in the frame by frame playback

he fails to catch the phone as it falls to the ground, but does not shatter

afterwards, intrepid apple fans notice the following features:

• apple stock linerider graph
• iphone 15 can be used for VR
• flashlight now has 16 million colors
• stocks app has linerider integration
• Apple Elisa app to add new health and wellness features
• apple is announcing Continuity 3. the iphone has the new M3 chip and runs every major desktop operating system, and can be paired with another iphone or an ipad for an ad-hoc laptop
• camera app can now capture your soul as an NFT
• iphone can now perform medical diagnoses better than most physicians
• early iphone 15 adopters get 3 wishes

tim cook thanks the audience for indulging in his new "jokerification" era

the following day, all recordings and references to the presentation have been removed from every device, and tim cook never publicly acknowledges the presentation. the iphone releases with all the identified features