This is a "two posts for one" special.

Disability is a tricky identity thing I think. I think it's good to have an expansive and inclusive idea about what disabled means. But in practice I fail at that.

I'd been rolling around in a wheelchair, courtesy of an airport, because of a chronic but undiagnosed physical condition. I felt immense guilt that I might be taking a wheelchair away from others, I felt bad at the way people averted their gaze, and I felt bad that people were so quick to accomodate me. But I really appreciated how much easier it was to get around and how much it helped the pain.

That was years ago. Using my crutches recently, to help with this problem I'm still having, I just realized, wait, ya doofus, that makes you disabled.

I'd been a big advocate for disability as an inclusive identity. Microsoft is actually great at this, modeling disability as something that can be permanent, temporary, or situational.

Despite agreeing with that inclusive model, I felt guilty about "taking" a resource from someone else who might use it.

Even though I needed it.

"Disability" is still a super broad net. Fuck, I'm disabled! I think? I've had this for years. I can't be very intersectional if I never considered myself in that way.

I was in special ed and called the r-slur for being in special ed, but even then, I am seriously not an authority on this matter! I don't have a learning disability and I don't think I faced meaningful discrimination for the perception that I did. "Disabled" is one of the broadest groups I'm aware of.

And, if it took me years of a disability to recognize I'm disabled, I probably shouldn't be speaking on disability either. I'm not experienced enough at that to be disabled correctly, you see. Wait, that's internalized ableism too. I can't just delete the post, can I? Let me consult the manual.

THE MANUAL OF POSTING

RULE 1: JUST POST

THE END OF THE MANUAL OF POSTING

But I'm really self conscious!

YOU AREN'T THE AMBASSADOR OF DISABLED PEOPLE

NOBODY EXPECTS YOU TO BE. IT'S NOT A THING

FRANKLY, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD THAT YOU'RE GETTING SO
FAR IN TO YOUR OWN HEAD ABOUT THIS ONE THING

EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THAT HAVING A "LEG THING"
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN USE THE R-SLUR. IT'S NOT A
COMPLICATED THING. JUST POST

Thank you for the reassurance, Just Post Rulebook Tulpa.

In all seriousness, I've had and think I will continue to have difficulty identifying as "disabled". It feels like stolen valor, or something I should qualify with an asterisk.

I think I would feel more comfortable with an identity that could express the nebulous, I-can-usually-walk nature of what I have going on. That might be easier if I had a diagnosis, other than "your leg can't take weight sometimes". I feel like I don't even know how to be "proud" properly.

But so long as I pass as able-bodied, I promise to continue to always be annoying to people around me about ability considerations. Big win (14 months ago), I got a manager to remove a mandate that everyone use Postman. Another big win (~70 months ago) I got my girlfriend (now ex) to feel bad for not understanding how OpenStreetMaps pavement markings could be useful for people who rely on a mobility aid. I'll continue to fight, and to make bad posts. I will never stop posting. I swear this to you.