got a crush on someone online for the first time bros

Submitted by toasthaste in just_post

it's also my first legit bi crush, lotta firsts

I've known them online for a few years and always thought very highly of them, and we've been varying degrees of close at different times, and then early last year we discovered we had some major nerd interests in common. We'd sorta been, gradually bonding thru that more and more (definitely accelerated by lockdown), and all of a sudden in the last month or so we've been voice chatting and watching stuff together almost every day.

Catching Feelings kinda snuck up on me. I don't, as a rule, really get crushes on people who I only ever expect to be online friends with, and I've never really agitated about HAVING to meet online friends in person (big anxiety about meeting people!), but at some point last autumn(?) I realized I really really hope to meet this person in person at some point. And then, months later, maybe this past January, it occurred to me for the first time that it would theoretically be possible for me to consider having a crush on this person, and that thought sorta lurked for a while before eventually snowballing into Actual Feelings.

I... think they are also into me? It's kind of hard to tell in an environment where everyone tells each other "I love you" platonically at the drop of a hat. And also they are way, way cooler than me, and too good for me, so it feels presumptuous to even speculate on that. But also I feel like we're really compatible in a lot of important ways?? idk

They live really far away from me though, and I really don't think I'd be interested in an online-only relationship, so I don't know if I could really get my hopes up anyway. Plus I worry that maybe this isn't anything and I am (or they are!) just tremendously lonely on account of *gestures at everything* and this will all feel like a weird dream when our social lives go back to normal.

I really hope I can see them in a few months after we're both vaccinated though. Feel like it might clear a lot of stuff up, one way or another. thanku for reading. just post.

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devtesla wrote (edited )

I think telling them something like, "we've been spending a lot of time together, I've got a full on crush on you, and I think it might be real love" would be a good idea. You're spending a lot of time alone together, you know each other well enough, it's appropriate and good!

All the other complications of distance and sexuality can be worked out after you just say that you have a crush.

If this is partly just because of loneliness, so what? It's still a crush. That's something you can say to them and they'll work it out with you.

Learn to ignore feelings like "they're too good for me". It is 100% up to them who is good enough for them.

My one last piece of advice is to say that you have a crush before you visit them. A situation where they think they're hosting a friend on a visit, and you think you love them, is gonna get both of you hurt.

I hope this helps, good luck!

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toasthaste OP wrote

Part of my issue is that like... I do genuinely enjoy what we're doing now, and don't think I want an Official Online Relationship with someone I haven't met irl, even if they are also into me. So saying "I have a crush on you but I don't want to date you at least not until we've met in person at least once and seen if we also vibe irl and even then the distance thing might make it untenable" is, idk, it feels rude and unnecessary, to me? Like just muddying the waters without any gain. But I also know that it's a thing for people to be able to separate out "has a crush on this person" and "wants to date this person," I just... don't tend to be very good at that, like, historically. Very all-or-nothing.

Maybe this is a good time to practice balancing that, idk. Something like "hey I've got a crush on you, I don't really intend to do anything about it in the short-term and don't expect you to do anything about it in the short-term either but :fingerguns:

(My relationship experience is: very few, very long-term, pretty-serious relationships, with a few short-term ones sprinkled throughout because the relationships were poly ones... and nearly all spawned from okcupid, so they came pre-charged with "maybe we will date" energy. Very consistent throughline of "get to know someone and develop romantic feelings for them = date them.")

My one last piece of advice is to say that you have a crush before you visit them. A situation where they think they're hosting a friend on a visit, and you think you love them, is gonna get both of you hurt.

Oh yeah, for sure, this was always the plan. Considering we'd both have to be fully vaccinated before we could do something like that, I figure I'll have plenty of leadup time. But yeah, before any tangible plans for meeting up got made, I'd want to make sure it was out in the open.

Thanku for sharing this advice dev, given me some stuff to think about

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devtesla wrote

I think you're on the right track! There's not a right or wrong answer here, you have to do what works for you.

It might be helpful to not really consider this one message you want to give them, but two. Message one is "I have a crush on you", and it's the undeniable, emotional one. Message two is "I want to do something with the crush" which is the one that you're still deciding what you want, and really needs their input on what they want. You're not going to decide to get rid of the crush, the rest you can decide not to do even if it will hurt to give up on it.

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