i've been struggling with suicidal ideation since i was about nine. whenever i have an attack i usually have a go-to plan. friday i took a step torward executing that plan and it scared the shit out of me. my partners drove me to the hospital at my request.

everyone working at the hospital was super compassionate. i was triaged to an examination room on a hospital bed while i worked through the attack. i was eventually transferred (for free thank god) to the "main" hospital a town over where they put me in a room with basically nothing but a foam mattress on the floor. honestly not as uncomfortable as it sounds. by the time a social worker came to talk to me the attack was more or less over, but it was really helpful to talk it out with someone and have that isolation for a few hours beforehand.

god i was so fucking hungry by the time i was discharged though lol. at least dennys is open 24/7.

this is the first time i had ever reached out for help, and i'm so grateful that the help was effective and sympathetic.

now like.... i can feel there's been a shift in my perspective on my own life for the better. i could have died on friday. i feel like i'm going through a reassessment on what is and is not important to me now. i'm hoping i can use this to hopefully more easily let go of the things that give me anxiety because well... worrying about some things just isn't worth risking my life.

anyway thanks for reading this little story. i'm exhausted but fine. i dunno i guess i just needed to get it all off my chest in detail somewhere.